Confessions #1

             I know i havent been keeping up with my updates like i had promised. And im so sorry for that. I just been really busy with work and alot on my mind.

           Well tonight im going to talk my head off until i dnt have anything left in my brain.So buckle up.
Well for starters My one of my closest guy friends calls me and we literally i had talked to him for like a good 10 mins befor mt bestie/sister calls. So i clicked over and told her i was on the phone with him and what not and she goes hmmmmmm im searching for a word. Ummm lets go with loca yea she went loca on me.
            Granted we haven't scratch that I haven't talked to him in a good 2 months her on the other hand haven't talk to him in a few weeks to a months. Apparently she talked to him via him calling her from his grandmas or moms and what not. well anyway i three way her in and we're all talking for a moment and then they get to talking to each other and i feel like the third wheel so i put my phone down and write poems, get on tumblr,or on here and just write or troll till i dont want to listen any more.
              And the only time they notice im even gone is when they realize their the only ones talking and i get annoyed  cause it's like wtf i haven't said shit in like 30 mins NOW you want to say shit me ugh! And they go back to their two convos after i yell out that im still there.
              I barely get to talk to him alone. I just dnt know maybe i'm just being spoiled brat and mad that the attention not on me. Or maybe it's the fact that she has feelings for him and i feel the connection and i see her need to always talk to him no matter what. Or maybe i'm being a Bitch for no reason. I just don't really know how i'm feeling I just dnt want to be the third wheel i hate being the third wheel and that's what i felt like. It was hella awkward
            Then i get a lot of bs from friends saying i get all the guys and that it's cause im light skinned or mixed and everything else and it makes me mad because if they knew what i was really going through with my self they wouldn't say those things. I just have this big brick wall in front of me at all times.i've never shared my all with someone and it terrifys me because i'm scared i'll show weakness, and that people will take advantage of me again. Because honestly im a real sweetheart with a cold rock for a heart.
         Sometimes i wish i could go back in time and change how i lived my life like if i would have been studious or was more active when i was younger i wouldn't have trouble with my weight or self-esteem i wounder if i would have stayed clear from the wannabe bad boys would i trust guys more and take a chance with the right ones.I wounder if i actually gave a fuck in high school would i be in a top ten college or in an Ivy league college.
         There are so many layers to me that people just don't know  i guess im start using this as my confessional

Thats all folks <3

Friendship code!

Like I've stated in a previous post. It's only ok to date your bestfriend ex only if their cool with it and are really cool with. Not just saying their cool with it just so they don't sound like a Bitch.   Well i recently just found out that one of my close friends really likes one of the guys i used to talk to and messed with.
   Heres the thing we are all friends and he has always felt so comfortable telling her alot of the problems that he's faceing and they have always been like that.But when she told me that she really is feeling him  i was shocked i couldn't believe at first and i was low key mad but i didn't show it.Or at least i don't think i showed it lol. Any way after listening to her and hearing what she had to say and what her heart and mind was going through. I gave my concent.
   I felt that he is actually closer to her than me and i believe that if they ever got together they  would have a long lasting relationship. Where as if we tried to rekindle the fire i think it would more of a fling. Me and him were more sextually attacted to each other than anything else. So i gave her my concent and i honestly and truly hope that if they become as one that they last as long as they can. Cause i just know that their personalities will clash here and there lol.
    I'm end this by saying if your friend or you like one anothers past partners (Sounds so corny lol) any way of you know that they would last as a relationship and with you it would be a fling. just go ahead and give your concent cause you don't want to be the friend who let their best friend miss out on a great thing for them because you all but hurt. Do the right thing.

 

Stay Blessed and Beautiful Ladies and Gents   XO<3

It's Thursday !

Ok so i;m still dealing with the problem i had recently told you guys about..I've talk to a few close friends who i believe i can trust. Everyones telling me to go for it. And trust i want to go for it i just don't want to feel gulity after the matter. The last thing i want to do is hurt my friend, cause i know for a fact that she still has some kind of feelings for him. But as the saying goes , "Opportunity is only gone to knock so many times till it says fuck you then " I added that last part lol but still it stands strong am i right or wrong ?
   Well i think i'm going to play it like this if something start to happen I'll let her know. Cause right now me and this guy are really good friends and have been since middle school. And we're hanging out as such. So i don't think theres any reason start possible drama over anything that's not set in stone. On that note i'm going to end with happy Thursday! lol yea i know i'm a little off

Is it Crossing the line

Ok so i must start by saying that so far this summer has been the best.I'm working i have my own money i'll be driving by the time fall gets here. And i have the best fucking friends around.
   But when is it crossing the line with friends. and when is it just childish. We all know the written rule that you are not aloud to date your bff's ex unless you ask if it's ok and then it's still like a death trap ready to explode. The girl code is stamped in our DNA and if your break a rule your officially branded the horrible friend who hurt her best friend. Now she can't trust you and start telling rumors about you so no one trust you. Yea being a girl suck ass.
  Well check this our there is this guy who i went to school with. He's honestly a great catch i've always tought so.He has his head on his shoulders he silly and loves to play around. and he knows how to treat a gril and is the total gentelman. he's the total package right. I've had the oppertunity countless times in high school to date this guy. But i always said no because he had dated two of my best friends.
  Now were out of high school and the oppurnuity has knocked on the door again. And i really don;t want to miss out on a geat guy just because he dated my friends i talked to one of them about it and shes perfectly ok with because for one it was so long ago and she only long ago. Now my other friend i don't even know how i'm tell hell if ican even tell her.  
   I don't want to be selfish and say idgaf i'm try and get with him. on the other hand i think i deserve the chance to see were it could go and i think my friend should understand. And then i could not say nothing and just let another chance and miss out on something that could be great for me just because i don't want to hurt my friends feelings.......
       

Stay beautiful Ladies and Gents   XO   <3

Elks Weekend

So every yr around this time our little shitty city has this bock party type of thing that last all weekend like each day is something different like Friday is the kinda like the kick off start. Saturday is when everyone come together and  cook and make little dinner and party all night long. And Sunday they have a drill team competition.
  Well last night me and my homie Chels went and we got fucked up. i mean just shot after shot after shot. I was feeling to good. and then my long lost friend wants to hang out. so i hang out with him and shit catching up on things. He tells me that his girl be bugging and that he trying to break it off slow. ect.
  But he was a sweet and walked me home and made sure i got in the house safe. He really just mad it hard for me.lol but i'm leave him alone because he has a gf and i respect that. I don't like it but i respect it.
 That's really all i have for today so far....Oh and he came over this morning and made me breakfast...i felt special he said it was my late birthday gift since i wouldn't let him get what he really wanted. but yeah all smiles this way i'm glad i have me friend back....and happy that we are at least friends.

Stay Blessed and Beautiful Ladies and Gents  XO <3

Realization.

   I know i know it's been awhile since i've shown my face but that's all going to change after today.....
I'm just going to jump right into it. As some of ya'll already know i was in a 5yr relationship with my no current Ex boyfriend _________. Let me just say that he is a great guy deep down inside himself and he was and for ever be my first love. But he will not me the last.
    Through our entire relationship it has been more bad times then there are good and one day i woke up and finally realized that. How he was treating me and acted towards me was not the way i wanted to be treated. And i believed i held on to the hope for to long thinking that he would change. I feel in that stigma that women stay with the bad ones because they think or hope they will change.
  I'm about to go into detail about our relationship. If your going to judge or criticize me then i suggest you leave my blog at this moment because there is only one person who has the right to judge me and that is my creator.
    It all started back in 2007 when we first got together and that was Christmas day. Believe it or not that was the best present i could have ever gotten that year.... Yea yea yea i know i'm a hopeless romantic ha. But everything was good until his games started and his true colors started shining like new money. He began to cheat on me with other girls. If it was any other guy his ass would have been dissed and i would have gotten his ass back but with ______i just let the shit slide we broke and then eventually i took him back. Wy? because i felt that he really and truly loved me and because i was 14 and didn't know any better.
But as the years went on we broke up and got back together on and off and off and on. Well senior year came and we were like the couple to be when we got back together he walked me to my classes held my books my purse did little things like that. when i was sick he did everything to make me feel better. But one day it seemed like he snapped and i was dating a whole different person. He became very aggressive with me. If i said something he didn't like he got mad and called me names. Or if i didn't want to go somewhere with him he would push me. One day he actually slammed my wrist in the door. That's something i never really told any one.... But he told me that he didn't mean to do ti and i forgave him, Then the possessive shit started every time i didn't text him right back he would start saying i was cheating on him and that i didn't love him and all this other bullshit when in reality i doing something that needed my attention. This went own for about two months.
  Then it happened something i swore would never happen. I was coming back to school after spending a week home being sick.... I was so happy i had just gotten paid and i was treating my friend Jaelle and her little sis to breakfast. My phone was fucking on some bullshit. It was allowing me send text but i couldn't receive them.Witch turned _______ into a mad man.....To make a long story short we ended up fight at school. I had a bruised eye a fractured finger and a spranged ankle.
  You would think after this incident i would walk away but i didn't. I was one of those girls making excuses saying well i out my hands on him first so i was actual fight. I was telling people any and everything so they wouldn't think i was crazy. But the looks on their faces said other wise.
   But i can stand here and tell you today that i'm no longer in a toxic relationship with _____.I have moved on and i'm not looking back. I refuse to let myself to ever go through that with anyone else and if your reading this and your in the same situation or know someone that is.Get out NOW! cause 9 times out of 10 i guy who puts his hands on you once will do it again with no problem or he'll threaten to. And don't think that it has to be physical it can be mental to .

Signs You Should Look For
1.Always telling what to and not wear (controlling)
2.Controls you over text
3.Threatens you
4.Calls you name Bitch,slut,hoe,fuck face,dumb ass, ugly
5.Claims your cheating because you haven't called or text him
6.Pushes you around and is very aggressive with you
7.Treats you like his property
8. He puts his hands on you intending to cause pain on you

If any of these apply to you please talk to someone about or get out of the relationship you deserve way better than that. And this goes for guys too!!!


I'm a stronger person because of it. And i'm way more wiser. My motto is never settle for less

Stay blessed and Beautiful Ladies and Gents xo <3

Show A Little Concideration

   Sorry i know i know it's been awhile with the new job and everything i just been so tired. But today payday yay!
    Any way this been on my mind for about a week now. One of my best friends (were going to call her Lo for now)she's more like a sister she can just be so un-considerate. We hung out on one of my days off last week and everything was pretty cool till we went and pick up one of other two friends. It's like she went effing crazy. We had went to visit Jaelle in the hospital cause her mom is there recoving and i wanted to make sure her and her mom were ok. And Lo and the other two girls are being hella loud mind you we are in a hospital and it's like 8 or 9 something at night. They were dumping salt out of the salt shakers and making it look like they were lines of cocaine..I'm not going to lie i did for a moment act like i was doing lines of cocaine but i can to my senses and realized where we were.
    Now we are all talking and she like i want to go to apple bee's . I told her i had no money . She goes well you can jus sit and get a water. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK!. and it's not like i could have gotten up and left because she was driving and i didn't want to sit in the car either. so i sat i fucking apples bee's and drunk a damn  water while i watch her ass eat. Like what the fuck. Me personally i wouldn't have my friends sitting in a restaurant watching me eat. i wouldn't even offer to go there unless i was going to pay for them. specially when they don't have any money. That's just me.
   Last but not least after we leave Apple Bee's we end up at meijers . Now i was telling her all night i have to be at work at 10:30am and it was 11 something when we had arrived there. now i'm thinking were going to walk around for a bit and then i can ask her to take me home. Nope she gets a magazine and sit THE FUCK down in the garden patio furniture setting and read the DAMN magazine from cover to cover. At that point i was pissed off and started walking around i called Jaelle and talked to her for a while. Oh and get this. They get done reading the magazine and i ask are y'all ready to go. She looks at me with this disgust look on her face and say No. I reply by saying I told you that i have to be a work at 10:30 she goes well we can take you home.
   Oh and before i forget, were sitting in the car. and she opens the sun roof. it's damn near midnight and it's fucking freezing. I ask her how do you close it and she replies by saying "Why" i told her that it was cold af and she goes "Well you have a jacket" At that point i just new she didn't have any consideration for no one. she didn't even ask the other girls if they were cold. she just ugh. I had to be quite all the way home because i just knew i was going to say something mean but true.
    I just had to get that off my chest. It's been on my mind for a while and i just had to let it all.If you have friends like this or know people like this. How would you tell them that they are obnoxious and inconsiderate basically telling them how they are. with out being all bitchy about it. Let me know

Stay blessed and beautiful ladies and gents. XO <3

Sn: Don't get it wrong i love her to pieces it's just sometimes she over do it.

Mommy Dearest

    Me and my family are going on a family Vacay in May. I was talking to my mom about all the sales that were going on because she likes the cute summer and spring clothes that wet seal and Charlotte russe carries.
    Then she got to talking about the that she had to go pay on the vacation and that she couldn't afford it right now. Witch made me sad because i know how much my mom loves to got shopping and pick out cute little outfits, just enjoy shopping. And she really do need clothes other than her work clothes .
    So since i got this job and what not when i got shopping next Friday with my sisters and my nephew were going to pick out some outfits for my mom and i'm going to pay for it. that way my mom can look fresh when we got to Florida. And it's the least i can do since she is paying for me too.

 Stay Blessed and Beautiful Ladies and Gents  XO <3

Basic Bitches

   Ok so for those who don't know i just recently got a job at Walmart. right. I'm a cashier and I LOVE MY JOB! For now anyways .
  But i come back from my last 15 mins it's around 6 something and i'm just counting the time till i go home you know. Anyway i'm helping this elderly man but hi groceries in his cart  when i look over i see to females who i attended high school with. They both are very dark skinned  one is short who always got this deer caught in head lights look. and the other girl has a really bad weave and i mean really bad i guess she attempted an invisible part and failed at it. But anyway these bitches are smiling and giggling and shit at me. The elderly man i'm helping say"Do you know those girls" Without thinking i say "No they just two bum basic bitches that aint got shit better to do with they lives".After realizing what i said i looked up at the old man to see what he was going to say. he studied the two of them and  replied with the coolest thing anyone can say "Yeah they look like a couple of sperm dumpsters". I've never laughed so hard.
   Oh and did i mention these Two sour apple bum bitches took a picture of me while i was working. Like who tf dose that. I have never done anything too these girl i don't even speak to these bitches. But they always had i problem with me. And till this day i still don't know why certain bitches had a problem with me.
   Cause in all honesty I'm one of the most funniest,random,outgoing, nice when i want to be, and i always keep it hundred with everyone i come in contact with.I want say nothing behind you back that i wouldn't say in front of your face. I don't blow hot and cold. If i don't like you trust and believe you know I don't like  you and you know the reason why i don't like you.
   In my personal opinion the reason why those basic bitches took a picture of me while i was working because they thought they was going to embarrasses me. When in reality i love my job and i'n getting paid swell. Something them bitches can't say. they either have to ask their moms for money or have to sleep with a ugly ass nigga who got money so they can say they got it like that. No boo boo that is being a "GOLD DIGGING ASS BASIC BITCH ASS SCUTTA HO" but i guess in they world they doing something.
   I can finally say i don't have to depend on no one but myself and i love having that power

Stay Blessed Ladies And Gents XO <3


SN:I can't wait to get paid :)
 

So much Hate

    I have lost all respect for the man who helped my Mom make me. He calls himself a man but i don't see it all i see is a stingy piece of shit that is going bald and missing damn near all his teeth in the front and who has been a janitor his whole fucking life.
    My mom is my dad, she is my best friend, and she is also my mother. As i look back on the years of my child hood all i can only remember my sperm donor coming home from work, sleeping all day, yelling at us to get him some ice water, and every blue moon hell do something nice for us. I have never seen this man cook a damn thing my 19 yrs of living, i have never seen this man clean shit, i have never seen him willingly give us money when we needed it. He never came to none of our sporting events. You know when it came time for my prom it killed him to give me $60 fucking dollars so i can get my nails done and have money to eat with. When my mom spent her own money for a $249 dollar dress , $40 dollar shoes , $45 for the damn prom ticket (I went with friends) and and $60 dollars for me to get my hair done. Not including that last min shit because my dress was falling off me..
    I just can't see how i ever used to be daddy's little girl i always been glued to my mom .every where she went i went.and still till this day  I literally stalk her when see's off constantly asking her where she was going!
    And this piece of shit sorry excuse of a wana be father has got the fucking balls to CHEAT! he has the fucking balls to cheat on my Mom with this bitch that used to be his boss. She is an ugly ass bitch that watched me grow up.And i swear if she never would have gotten fired i would have stabbed that bitch in her fucking chest. and then shoot my sperm donor in the balls (In my mind this would solve all my probs)
   What kills me more is how my sister and brother fucking praise his ass like he is someone to fear, he aint nothing but a coward pussy ass bitch who needs to just leave and never fucking return! But my sister and brother don't know about his recent bullshit.
   Back here in January I was looking in his phone (Nosy Habit ) Any who i seen what i saw , thought on it seeked advise, and then finally confronted him and told my mom. You would think sense i found out he would stop the shit right. Oh no that would be to easy This spineless Piece of shit keeps it up.
  I looked in his phone to see if anything new. And what do you know The home wrecking bitch sends a picture of her ugly self to him and he toothless ass gone say "Damn you sexy as hell! Luv you!" . Are you fucking kidding me the bitch had on more make up then the girl Mimi who used to star on the Drew Carry Show. Ugh!
  Well this go round i'm doing shit my way. Because obviously being up front didn't do shit. Mark my fucking words I be damned if my Mom hurts and this mother fucka don't suffer for it. (Nothing drastic) But my manipulating ways will be involved that's for sure.
   Don't get me wrong i love my dad for giving me life and being there every now and then.....but i hope all this bites him in his balls.


   SN: I'll Burn in hell before i let him walk me down the aisle and give me away at my own wedding. How i see you have to be a father in order to have such an honor. Witch is why i pray that my grandfather is still living so he can do the honors.


Stay Blessed and Beautiful Ladies and Gents XO <3

Shallow

Shallow- lacking depth; superficial: a mind that is not narrow but shallow.
Okay so me and my friend have been having this argument for the longest . She calls me Shallow just because i have a preference in who i date or who i like . I can't help what i'm attracted to but she seem to have this idea that I only date and like "Light skin Pretty Boy Wanna Be Thugs " 

Disclaimer I don't own this picture. located on >> http://thecutestboysever.tumblr.com   

But that's not even the case yes i'm attracted to light skinned boy but i love all boys i don't have a set in stone  type. I taste ranges from , thugs, skater boys,cali swag,retro,pretty boys,scholars, jocks, Black,White,Hispanic,Asian,Irish,Canadian, German, Mixed ,Etc  as long as i'm physically and mentally attracted to you all is good right . And i look for certain qualities besides appearance like  If they have a great sense of humor , do they have ambitions, do they strive for success, are they looking for long term or just a looking for a fuck buddy.Are they controlling etc. I don't just base my opinion on appearance when it comes to a guy i like.

Maturing

    I went through stages in my life. when i was little i had mad friends i was in the what you would call popular group i guess \(- _-)/ any who when i was in the third grade I supper glued Mrs. Blazer to a chair. and had gotten kicked off the bus for jumping this other little girl. << She had it coming she was white and called me a dirty nigga. on a bus full of black people. I wasn't just going to let that slide not one bit. Any who i ended up getting kicked out of the elementary school and had to transfer to another one.
   Roosevelt let me tell you i was so out of my element. I went from a school that was mostly Black people to a school were there was mostly white people. But i didn't have a problem with making friends. I never did. soon i became part of a group that you would consider pint size mean girls. it was like everyone wanted to be associate with us just because we traveled in a pack and matched each other. And i did things back then to hurt other peoples feelings that i didn't even mean to do. and as i look back i think wow! was it even that serious i mean for crying out loud we were 9.
    Worst thing ever happened that summer my best friend Mersadies Olivia Bakers died a tragic death. After her passing i went into depression mode and ate my feelings away. by the time 7th grade hit i weighed 190 lb wearing a size 24 standing a 5'0 tall. every day that year i dreading going to school. The girls would talk about me because i had never had a perm,  I mean relaxer. and i never had gotten a weave before because my hair was long, they yelled and called me nappy headed just because i didn't straighten my hair. i got called fat ass, no neck, and everything else. and everyday i would go home and cry my eyes. Back then the only people who helped me through everything was Isis,Jazmyn Chelseay if it wasn't for them idk what would happen but luckly 8th grade year i began to loose some of the weight and became more social than i ever was i was happy to go to school then because i knew it would be a good day.I now look back at all the girls and boys who made fun of me was either jealous that my hair was real or insecure about their own selves so they had to pick on me because i was an easy target. Back then i also let people walk all over me.
  High School hit i had lost 40 lb and wearing a size 14 and standing at 5'4 I loved what i had accomplished and i loved who i had molded myself to be. I took no shit from nobody and once i started to date one of the well known boys in school, Not an athlete or anything like that just a really attractive guy who knew everyone. and that's when shit hit the fan, bitches were coming out of every witch way calling me la weaver and saying i was fat and ugly. and i started to believe the nasty rumors until i start noticing alot of the really cute guys in school was asking for my number and wanting to date me. that when i realized i had haters. because these girls only knew my name and they talked so much shit about me. i didn't even know half of them.
  Even though it's only been a year since i was in high school i feel that i grew as a person. i'm no longer angry at the world. I don't blame anyone for the things that i do or the things i regret no doing. i stopped worrying about the What if and Maybes and started living for today, I started living for me. and that is something that i never did i always tried my best to please other people.
 One thing about me that will never change is my personality witch  is alot to take in.  If i don't like you trust you know that i don't like you. i wont be rude about it unless you take me there. I love all my friends and family unconditionally you fuck with them you fuck with me. I'm just that kind of person. I'm sweet when i want to be. I have sick sense of humor, I flirt all the time even with girls and i don't be meaning to. but some how alot of people take my mean mug as a come heather face. I'm loyal to those who have my back no mater wat. If your looking for someone to tell you what you want to hear i'm not the one i will always be honest when it comes to my opinion. One last thing i will never say something behind your back that i wouldn't say directly to your face.


             Stay Blessed and Beautiful Ladies and Gents XO <3


SN:Thank you Jae for always being there you are more than a true friend to me you my best friend your my partner and crime, my ride and hide lol  but most important your my sister my family love you girly. believe it or not your niceness and ambitiousness rubbed off on me a little

My sister

  One thing that pisses me off is my sister. were about 10 yrs apart and i had a strong dislike for her. Now that were older we can tolerate each other to a certain extent. and she had 2 boys Christopher  7 and Anthony 3
and on fridays and saturdays I babysit her kids so her and my brother in law can go do a little side job (Nothing illegal i promise) and they'll be gone for like 4 to 6 hours. So 4- 6 hours of my time that i could be chilling with friends,going on dates, and everything else i'm babysitting here kids with no PAY. see if i was getting paid to do so i wouldn't care. But i'm not and i'm pissed.
   Here is why i get pissed they claim they don't have the money to pay me for baby sitting right. But they can find the money to allow someone else stay in the house. And before christmas all they had was a Ginniepig. So for christmas she buys a dog that has to go to the vet like ever 3 months because of it's wrinkles. and in my head i'm calculating on how much it cost to take the dog back  in forth to the vet, and buying special shampoo, and dog food and all these little fancy treats she buys him every week.It comes to about 130.00 a month. and this is how i look at is you can find an extra 130.00 dollars a month but you can't  pay me at all to babysit but you couldn't find the money to pay me. Shit really pisses me the fuck off. because i been baby sitting for them for damn near 4 yrs with out pay. .


Just had to vent for a moment.

 Stay Blessed and Beautiful Ladies and Gents   XO <3

    

Happy Birthday Christopher !

          Happy Birthday Chris it's been 7 years since you came into this world and you have been giving us nothing but love . And we are so very proud of you. Your are learning to walk and you are starting to eat with out assistance and we are so proud you have come so far in your journey and you know that we have you back every step of the way. I hope you enjoy today because you deserve to. Love you dearly Your Auntie Tina









Stay Blessed and Beautiful Ladies and Gents   XO <3

SN: I'll post a picture of him later

Over It

   Me and Calvin have been off and on for almost 5 years now and i'm really getting sick of his attitude and the way he treat me. It's fucking crazy and i know alot of people have been telling me he is not right for me but still i love him with all my heart. Alot of girls would call me stupid for still being with him after all he has done to me. and you might think so to once i tell you.
  It started freshman year 2007 we were at a school dance and i seen him and i asked him why wasn't he danceing and he dose the whole i don't know whay arent you thing. eventually we ended up dancing. Now in my mind one lil dance and then i move on. Well he had something else in store for me. Out of no Where he kisses me and i'm not talking like a quick lil peck in the lips i mean he slid his tongue in my mouth and everything. At first i'm thinking wtf is wrong with you, but then i started to enjoy it as well any who we ended up talking for 3 months and then Christmas morning he asked me out.yea all was good so i thought untill he cheated on me broke up with me to date this girl named Rashidah and lets just say she was not the prettiest and i know that might make me sound bitter but seriously her mustach was thicker than calvins. And i took him back after that, then he cheated on me with this girl named Makayla no joke she looked like a man. might be bitter side again but oh well. then he cheated on me with Makayla's sister Braxton...yea i know keeping it all in the family. then we get back together and get this his ass texts me after school and asked me "How Would you feel if i went out with another girl " Like wtf i know right then should have been that last straw but i couldn't let go. and beside the only reason she was with him was because she wanted his money. She was a gold digger but i was cool with her and respected her hustle at that point because i tried to tell him thats all she wanted. But you know how guys are they don't want to believe that. and mind you this was all freshman year.
    Along the years things got better instead of cheating on me we just broke up. that way no one is hurt. Well Senior year was our year we were like the best disfunctional couple out there lol. He had gotten very protective witch i didn't mind i always had a thing for the crazy ones. Well any way i had gotten real sick and was out of school for like a week the day i came back to school i was feeling great i had went to burger king that moring and got me and Jae and her lil sis Amber something to eat  i had gotten my hair done and everything and i was ready to see my hubby. Well that day my phone got fucked up and was not working at all. like i could seen text out but i couldn't recive them. Strange right any way i send him a quick text telling him and everything. Me thinking everything was all good i get to school and he walks right past me. So i finally stop and ask him and he goes off for no reason talking about why wasn't i getting his text and who else was i texting make a long story short we get into it. Mind you we are in school Me and Jae are walking to class and he behind us talking shit pushing me down the stairs. I didn't fall but i could have . any who i grab my things from jae's locker we shared because i couldn't get mine open at all lol. well mr.calvin didn't want to go away so im walking to my class and he still talking shit he pushes me again and that was the las straw i pushed his ass back and then he do it again i slapped the fuck out of him i mean you could hear through out the lobby and we end up fighting.
    Now most girls at this point would say that's it fuck him and move on . No not me i held on and i think it's because he is my first love and i'm in love with him and i've know him since pre-k... well we continued our relationship in the dark of course because his grandma didn't like me and my dad hated him plus the whole school  was watching our everymove. June of last year we broke up he did his thang and i did my own . November around thanksgiving break we got back together and everything was great for about 3 weeks. then he got really sick and turned into this ass. he started treating me like i was 3 and putting me down. Now if you know me you know that i can roll with the punches with the best it takes alot to get me to think less of myself. But it did hurt though because this is post to be someone who claims to love me, and care so much about but their doing this. And i'm so fed up with the retarted ass arguments and him telling me to go find someone else but want to take everything he said back and wants me to be there for him. I'm honestly done with all the Bs. i'm sick off the arguements over pettys shit. Plain and simple over the fuckery that happens between us. We used to me like this real lovey dovey type of a couple who acted like they were married. But his actions are pushing me farther and farther away. Just don't know what to do at this point.
   If you have Advice please share it.

Stay Blessed and Beautiful Ladies and Gents   XO <3

One Of Those Days

    Today has just been really lazy for me i sat and on the computer and did a few of my assignments for this american literature class i really hate online college i can't see how people can even do this ugh! it's so fucking boring and i hate sitting in one spot for a long period time.
   Moving along after i did that i just laid around watching lifetime true movie Thursday something i haven't did in a while. And it was really relaxing i gave my self a deep conditioning for my hair and followed up with a hot oil treatment. Now my hair is all soft and bouncy and look really healthy. And i painted my nails their all Blue and sparkly had to show pride in the New York giants colors.
    Oh and i know you be wondering about this diet I'm still on it i have actually lost 5 lb since i started i'm real proud of myself.I'm going to try and post my diary entry's that i have been keeping and i'll try and post the different exercises i've been using. just can't wait to be teamFit but i'm working on it.  
   Well continue to stay tuned for more and i promise i'm going to get back on my morning and late night blogs

Stay Blessed and Beautiful Ladies and Gents XO <3

For Him I Will

        Somethings i will never ever understand.And one of those things is my boyfriend's Family like he grew up surrounded by women and him and his nephew are the only boys basically. He grew up with his grandmother his older sister his mom his aunt and niece. A full house right. From what he tells me his niece gets treated like a princess she always gets whats she wants and they always give her what ever she wants and allow her to do what ever. And i kind of got the sense of that from talking to her a lil bit.  While him and his nephew get treated like criminals, and i do agree that sometimes they need to be knocked and the back of the head. But that shouldn't stop his own mother from caring.
        Last month he was really sick i mean he felt and sounded horrible.and he had called and asked his mom to go with him to the doctor but she told him no. Don't really know the whole story but that just made my heart sank. Because my mom would leave her job if one of us was hurt or sick. to make sure everything was ok and then go back. But my mom does what ever at her job. their scared of her.
         I don't know i just wish i had a better understanding of his situation so i could give him better advice, because me telling him things will get better and keep your head up are not always going to work.Just wish there was more i could do.



Stay Blessed and Beautiful Ladies and Gents  XO <3

Mixed Signals

   Last night I spent quite a few hours talking on the phone with my ex. I honestly did it because of boredom i called Jae but her ass didn't pick and then i called Calvin and he didn't pick up witch is strange. I didn't talk to at all yesterday and i really wanted to.
   Any who me and him were on the phone i told him that i was doing great and that i had thought about him form time to time. But it wasn't one of those damn i miss him type of thoughts it was more like i wonder is he's a live or i wonder if he got help. <<Long story . He even asked what i thought about and i told him . And i guess he kind of took it the wrong way. But we laughed caught up and he apologized for how we broke up. Deep down in side i was kid of glad we broke up. we were to different people that just had things in common and even though that mad us happy the stuff that mad us different were key things you just couldn't ignore. Like I'm a huge family person , when i have a problem i want it solved , when someone in my family needs help I'm there no questions asked.I'm just big on people i like and care about. Notice what i just said lol. But he is not big on family like if someone in his family needs help it depends on who it is and what they need help with. And when it comes to his problem he likes to avoid them. Witch didn't sit right with me because then i would be thinking about until i think i found a solution. And when it comes to people. man oh man. We just didn't mix quite right. Like a recipe without all the ingredients yea it might sound good but once you make it you waiting to throw up.
  Moving along but we talked a lot. he told me that he was looking for me on facebook and that he had dreams about me and all this other stuff and i'm just like awww that's nice. Then the crazy thing was he told me he hadn't talked to his bestfriend since we broke up.Matter of fact he stopped talking to his bestfriend the same day we broke up.It's like I'm getting this sense that he trying to get back with me. The whole time we were on the phone he was calling me babe <<I hate that word. and he was calling me baby. And when i would call him on it he would be like i didn't say nothing. Uhg that pissed me off too.  Oh and then he was saying that is we got married and the last time we broke up. and i'm thinking what you mean last time. there's only been one time. I'm thinking in my head one's enough. Any who it was just a lot of awkwardness.
  A lot of females would probably call me stupid for not getting back with him or working it out because. He's really good looking i mean he's like a 14 not a 10 but a 14 plus he has money, and he's in school etc ect . but i can't be with someone if my hearts not in it. I know who i love and i know who i care about. And he means everything to me. He might not have alot of money, frankly i don't care, he maybe still finding his way in the world (Good thing i'm here to help), But he has my heart, he;s always there when i need him. He gives me all the love and attention i crave and i return it. He's very protective over me. He has Ambition.He know's how to dress, he knows how to shop for things i like. Yea he might work my nerves every now and then,Yea we get  into ridiculous fights, Yes we have been through hell and back, and yes he dresses like a thug. But all of that is what makes me love him even more.
   I'm leave you guys with this advice if you can only take the good in a man/woman than your not meant to be with them. You have to beable to deal with the good,the bad and ugly, That's what makes you guys stronger as one.

     Stay Blessed and Beautiful Ladies and Gents  XO <3

Strange Message

   A couple of days ago i log on to this damn social site and i have a message from  Camren my ex boyfriend brother telling me to call Adrian witch is my ex. Now when i first seen it i'm like wtf we haven't talked in like 3 months and we ended on bad terms so why are you telling me to call him.I replied by telling him that i didn't have his number any more thinking that he wouldn't reply back,But he did and he gave me Adrians number.
    I get to thinking if Adrain wanted me to call him he would have messaged me himself and so on and so forth. So i had to ask what he wanted . Camren tells me that i was doing it for him. I'm like no your not about to make me call him and i end up getting cursed out so i needed more detail and why he wanted me to call him.
   He tells me that he just really needs a good friend . I can't leave someone hanging like that. especially Adrian because he has been though Hell and back And then back to hell and back again. So i tell Camren that i will call him but if i get cursed out i was coming for him.
   So i just called him not too long ago and he was sounded like he was talking to a ghost. I asked him how was everything and he told me soso could be better. The he interrupted me and was like can i call you back i told him of course so now waiting for him to call  

Happy Birthday Mom !!!

     Today is my moms birthday yay! I'm blessed to have her another year. Me and my mom may argue a lot but nothing ever breaks the love and bond me and my mom have. Now i might not be able to tell her everything about my life right now because she stills see's me as her little girl. She freaks out when i mention the word sex.It cracks me up to watch my moms face scrunch up lol. Any who my mom has been one of the strongest people in my life. She has been through a lot and deals with a lot and she stills walks around with her head held high. She is the person responsible for my i don't give a fuck attitude. She has always told me to follow my dreams and to be the person that I want to be.

    Happy Birthday Mom another year older another year wiser and another year you can tell everyone to kiss your  ashy ass. I Love you  

 Stay Blessed and Beautiful Ladies and Gents  XO <3